What do you think hurts the most?
What do you think hurts the most?
just one little kiss it’s just a smile,
Laid in the palm of your hand
for just a while,
in your coat pocket for today,
leave it there
as you go about your way,
Forget about it for a day
weeks months go by,
Safely in your coat pocket
my smile will lie,
Months go by
there comes a day that’s gray,
Your feeling irritable the day is rough
nothings going your way,
Your in the cold air hands in your coat
so much on your mind,
Scrunch your hands against the cold
fleeting memory you find,
Insignificant moment the kiss palm of your hand
dropped jokingly in your coat forgot for a while,
It matters not who gave you it
what matters is the smile,
A reminder we’re never truly alone
not even for a while,
Such a childish gesture
but now the ghost of a smile you have to,
The realisation somebody somewhere right now
is thinking of you….
At any given moment, somebody somewhere is thinking of you.
If somebody somewhere is thinking of you,
how can you ever truly be alone….
So I wasn’t really sure whether to write on here again? Is it a good idea? I don’t know…. So much has happened since November.
I’m fighting depression -and yeah I know I’ve said in posts on here that I don’t have depression- cuz to me to admit is to say I am weak, and weakness, is unacceptable. I stopped taking my tablets just before christmas. I didn’t like how they made me feel,think, how they numbed the edges of real, how they fuzzed the edges of squares and made them all freaky circles. I cared, I functioned normal but, I just wasn’t bothered, didn’t want to argue, didn’t have an opinion. I just was….
So new tablets and new doc to talk to ( I don’t like the “P” word or maybe it’s just the “IST” bit I don’t like? I don’t know.) This new docs ok, he has taken the time to read my file but most importantly is taking his time letting me talk and not asking about the fuck off huge Demon playing with fire glaring menacingly in the room. I think maybe that’s why I don’t like Mental health professionals. The ones I’ve been involved with through out my life want to get from 1 – 10 in a straight line as quickly as possible and don’t like the fact that I have a half million obstacles to go around, just to get from 1 – 2 most of which have been created with the sole purpose so that I don’t get hurt.
When I think of depression, I think of people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I think of people that would harm others, ie kill because they believe there is no better life on this Earth. I don’t think of the everyday depression, the one that affects millions of people. Maybe it’s time I did? People with depression are normal, they can act, function and appear as though nothing is wrong at all. I did/do. My noticeable depression was when I “crashed” just before Christmas about 8 days after stopping my tabs. Looking back I knew I was going to crash, the signs were all there, I just didn’t/never do, see them till after. When its to late….
So, if your still reading this, you may be this must of had a huge impact on my children? Strangely no. Like I said before, people can act perfectly normal with depression. I mean they grew up with my fear of being touched and that I flinch if someone puts their arms around me. They’ve helped me fight this with out even knowing. Just by being them, constantly throwing their arms around me and in how much I love them and how protective of them I feel. So hugs are now becoming a little easier and I can give some to others without feeling sick. As for hugging my kids? no probs there.
So what next for me and wordpress? To be honest I don’t know…. I have some poems that can still go on here. The poem Part 1 to this, is only the 5th poem I’ve written this year. I don’t want people that read my page to see it all writing and say something like…. Oh it’s to much writing on here now, I only follow for the poems. Then un follow. I don’t want to make it to “gray and gloomy” either as you don’t need to read and then feel grim. I’m going to think about this today, what I want from WP.
Well if you got all the way down here then firstly, I should check your awake and most importantly you haven’t died of boredom somewhere along the way? Hmmm? pulse checked. airways and breathing checked. Eyes open lookin at me strangely? Yup, you’re good to go! Thanks for reading my spilled thoughts, littered words, rambling letters, and sorry for the numerous grammatical errors (Yup there’s loads).
Take care all of you out there at the other end of the wire.
make it real,
Cuz stormy angers
all I feel,
Drifting thru a
dense dark wood,
So much chaos
Blinding shaft of moonlight
hits the course hard ground,
I’m standing at a
forked path there ain’t no way around,
There is not a sound
no inkling nor no clue,
Lost empty and left wondering
just what should I do,
Down each path lays hurricane memories
destruction pain fear self doubt lies,
Down each path the pain
the person the people that lay behind my thunderstorm the goodbyes,
Fragmented pictures torment
Until closing me off from the world
pushing everyone away is the only respite I find,
There once was a time I
believed death was the way,
But then these nightmares win and I’m stubborn
so this bitch is here to stay,
And pills I guess they work
as long as they’re always took,
Until I have the courage to stand up and face them
from my hatred of myself and certain others I will never be off the hook,
So this is me I walk hand in hand with nightmares horrors unimaginable
my whirlwind is real,
The pen the paper words spilled emotions raw this is me and
I love to lose my senses to you….
The smell of you….
the sight of you….
The touch of you….
the taste of you….
….Just totally lost in you….
….Your so intoxicating….
it’s got to the stage where…..
Now I only have to think about you….
and I forget how to breath…. .x.
Super sexy kisses
in the rain,
The force of you it hits me
like a train,
Hands they linger
set my skin on fire,
The heat of you
burns at my desire,
Eyes that smoulder they do
make my knees go weak,
My hands up your shirt on your skin
make me dizzy for what I seek,
Sultry kisses deeper
strong hands exploring,
Trembling with desire
body mind want need more imploring….
I’ve never ever liked a guy with blue eyes in that sense and , although this poem is sexual, the 3 words that gave me the inspiration were anything but. You don’t know it but, to the guy with the blue eyes thank you for the inspiration.x.
When you look at me
it feels like a
Burning trails across
I wanna be
I wanna be
your comfy chair,
I wanna be
the shirt that you wear,
Every time you touch somethin
feels like your touching me there,
I wanna be your quilt
wrapped around you in bed,
Your those dirty thoughts at night
that slip wetly through my head,
I’m crushing on you heavy
can’t stop thinkin about you to,
Can’t help these lust fueled thoughts
every time I think of you….
random thoughts from a computer jockey with a graphite pencil
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